What’s the first thing you ask someone you’ve just met? “Where are you from?” Or “Where’s home for you?” Especially if you’re an expat, right. The words literally roll off your tongue, after, “Hi, I’m So and So.” And even if you’re not living overseas, it doesn’t take long for the inevitable question to crop up in conversation, “So, is this your hometown?” I never quite know what to say to that - "Well, I'm from Australia, but I was born in New Zealand....but we've been living in Asia, ummmm." Recently, I went back to my place of birth, New Zealand. It’d been 15 years! Needless to say, I was taken aback when the friendly lady at Customs said “Welcome Home!” And just quietly, it had me feeling a little bit nostalgic. Living overseas, as in not Australia, for a significant chunk of that 15 years, meant it was no longer a hop, skip and a jump across the ditch and well, life just got in the way. This time though, I had my husband, my Small Person and my mum along for the ride. I invited (some may say coerced) them into taking a trip down memory lane with me. We went back to the suburb I grew up in, we did a drive-by past several of my old houses, my primary school - still looking startling familiar after 40 years, and we pulled into the carpark of my old high school… which was also my mum’s! (Oh the memories!) We even, at my insistence, went down to the beach, where I made my first sandcastles and spent hours wiling away the dreamy days of an idyllic childhood with my grandparents, who’ve long passed. The trip back, got me thinking about the importance of place. Psychologist say, memories are cued by the physical environment. When you visit a place you used to live, these cues can cause you to revert back to the person you were when you lived there. The rest of the time, different places are kept largely separated in our minds. (Sorry if I reverted back to that sulky teenager who lived on a diet of potato scallops and milkshakes.) Does our birth place hold a piece of our heart, indefinitely? Growing up spending many a school holiday on my granddad’s boat, I'm definitely at my calmest and happiest when there’s water within my eye’s reach. Obviously, the factors that influence our identities are too numerous and complex to investigate in this single post but just how much or how little our birthplace shapes us, it seems, after doing some research of my own, is still debatable. For me, after 31 years in Australia, give or take a few, I feel more like an Aussie than a Kiwi. There’s little trace left of the former ‘fush n chups’ accent (except when I’m tired or have too many vinos); the sunburnt country long ago captured my heart. But here’s the clincher, I’m still not an Aussie citizen. Gasp! (Luckily, I’m not going into politics!) A couple of reasons have stopped me, mostly I credit laziness to this inability to take the citizenship test! I mean, I’ve covered more Australia Days as a journalist than I’ve had burnt sausages on a barbie. And in those early days, being a Kiwi in Oz, didn’t have much of an impact on those all important things, like free university tuition, etc.. But maybe, just maybe there’s a little bit of guilt or is it reluctance to let go? Does giving up your allegiance to your home country mean you’re saying goodbye to your past? (There was no dual citizenship back then.) I still find myself torn whenever the All Blacks are playing the Wallabies (I mean we all know who’s going to win, don’t we)? ;-) And I get a chill down my spine when the Haka plays - sometimes I have to stop myself from launching into the actions. When I’m called on to recite a song (and this happens more than you might think) I always choose the Maori song, Tutira Mai Nga Iwi, I learned in primary school. And I still miss certain things unique only to the Land of the Long White Cloud. Namely and most importantly my family members who still reside there, and I’m still partial to a Chocolate Thins biscuit, a Snifter or a glass of L & P. People often tell me, the fact that Ava, our small person, was born in Hong Kong and lived in Asia until she was six years old will have a big impact on her. Will it, I wonder? She’s what they call a Third Culture Kid (TCK) - a phrase coined by an American sociologist, referring to a child who’s spent a significant part of their formative years outside their parents culture. (Her Dad's English just to add to the equation.) People who fit the TCK bill have a tendency to mix and merge their birth culture with their adopted culture, creating one of their own: a third culture. Born in Hong Kong to a New Zealand-born mum, an English dad, (both her and him with Aussie citizenship) and three formative years in Xi'an China. Where's home? There’s no denying she’s more at home with chopsticks; and dim sum and rice are her favourite foods. She's more au fait with Chinese New Year than Australia Day, and perhaps it’ll be a favourite Chinese song she remembers in time over an Aussie one. Ask her where she’s from - it's undoubtedly Hong Kong. But Australia's blue skies and endless parks have definitely hit her sweet spot. For me, living in Hong Kong and Xian, my roots became more poignant than ever. So far away from everything I knew, we celebrated ANAC Day and Australia day with more gusto than I ever had on home soil. Even Melbourne Cup pulled on the heart strings. Experts say place does shape us at a fundamental level. We all learn to communicate and understand our world through sharing language, customs, behaviours, beliefs and values. And in all reality, doesn't each town, city, state and country has it’s own local vocabulary, accents, values, ideas, economies, industries, local newspapers and radio stations? In essence, it’s very own unique culture. Heck, in China each province has its own culinary delights. Winston Churchill famously proclaimed that “we shape our buildings, and afterwards, our buildings shape us. I’ve stolen this quote from Cup of Jo’s fabulous blog, by actress Helen Mirren, “Where you grew up becomes a big part of who you are for the rest of your life. You can’t run away from that. Well, sometimes the running away from it is what makes you who you are.” Identity is attached to a sense of belonging, usually through family ties or deep emotional connections and it's pretty evident we all bare some of the cultural and emotional legacies, whether good or bad from our hometowns. Environmental psychologist Susan Clayton says: “For better or worse, the place where we grew up usually retains an iconic status. Is it any wonder memories of finding and eating oysters off the rocks at five years old are forever etched in the bowels of my mind. The iconic Pacific oyster! It might not be home now, but saying “Haere Ra…..” (Goodbye) forever to New Zealand was never really an option And as Henning Mankell says, "You can have more than one home. You can carry your roots with you and decide where they grow." I like that idea. What do you think? Do you have one home or many? To read more about where home is, check out The Expat Magazine's article Where is Home? here Read, about our repatriation back Down Under here... … [Read more...]
Moving Overseas? Tips for Helping Your Child Adjust.
Living overseas, as an expat, usually means your children will be exposed to some magnificent wonders of the world. Not only will they be immersed in different cultures, witness unusual customs and fascinating traditions, they'll meet and learn about people from all walks of life. But moving isn't always smooth sailing. Just like us adults, it takes time to adjust and feel at ease with your new surroundings. Having moved from Hong Kong, to the middle of China and back to Sydney with our small person, here are a few handy tips when it comes to moving countries/cities with your children. Let’s face it, parenting is hard enough at the best of times….but when you add a new environment into the mix, a different language and culture, it can be tough to keep everyone on the happy bus! #TheRightTime In all reality, there's never a "right" time. Each age brings its own challenges. People will say it's much better to move them while they're still little. And while there are definitely positives for this as far as their ability to go with the flow and adapt more quickly, it doesn't mean they won't struggle. Of course, the younger a child is, the easier it is to learn a new language, if they're immersed. Older children can be more resistant to a move away, not wanting to leave friends and of course their education needs to be taken seriously. At the same time, being older means they'll potentially gain much more from the experience and remember it. Every child is unique and only you can help decide when you think it's a good time. Often you may not have a choice, so don't sweat it....each age has its pros and cons. #Farewell If it's possible, have a farewell party/get together that makes saying goodbye special and memorable. Experts say acknowledging what's about to happen, sadness and all, can help little ones start to process the move. Reassure them it’s perfectly ok (and normal) to miss someone, at the same time keep talking about the exciting things that are going to come with living in a new country. Don't over promise and under deliver. It’s important to 'close the chapter' properly. I was never more thankful for the teacher's quick thinking, when the last day of term was suddenly brought forward by an entire week, due to severe pollution in China and she sent someone out to buy a cake, to farewell Ava in style. It meant the world to her (and mum who was silently in meltdown mode). At the same, time be sure to let them know it’s not forever, it’s just "see you later!" Help them to keep in touch with their good friends. Thankfully, today, technology means they don’t have to seem a world away. Send voice messages on Whats App, or even have a Skype or FaceTime session. My little girl and her bestie in China recently skyped for an hour and a half and after some initial awkwardness, ended up playing together, like they were in the same room! Pack lots of memories. Photo books are a great idea for them to look back on and keep memories alive. Involve your children in the move as much as possible! #Routine As soon as you arrive in your new country, no matter how small it is, start a routine of some description. Even if it’s just breakfast and walking to the local shop. Even though it’s no doubt tough for you as a mum or dad trying to hold it all together and adjust to this new life, it’s vital to keep a close eye on your child’s needs. Together, try to learn as much about your new country as possible. The more you feel settled, the more likely your kids will too. Check out my post here: Through the Eyes of My Expat Child: Lessons Learned. Experts don’t recommend returning to the place you’ve come from too soon. Allow at least half a year before going back to help them transition more smoothly. #Prized Possessions Don’t pack all of these in the shipping, keep those things that are special to them around to make them more comfortable during this crucial phase. When Ava moved from Hong Kong to China, for about a year, she took a particular doll everywhere with her. It became a case of “Where’s Wally!” #School Options Depending on how permanent your move is, it may be easier to find a school with a similar curriculum to the one back home. If not, the International Baccalaureate (IB) system is taught in many countries, so it's a great option. If you can, act early so you can get into the school of your choice. Depending on the country, there can be huge waiting lists or specific zones you'll need to live in, to be accepted. Sometimes it’s difficult to know which school year they should be in in a foreign country. Get some advice early on, but if the outcome is different to what you envisaged, play it by ear, you can always change them later, if necessary. If you can choose a school that's not too far from your home, it certainly makes life easier, as far as getting to and from school and having their friends around for play dates and catch ups. Living in the hotel in China, meant we were a good 30 to 45 minutes drive from Ava's school, which definitely made things harder and sometimes isolating. #Be a Present Parent Try to be there when they first start their new school, before and after - to talk through the day and all of the new things they’re experiencing. If they are somewhere where the language is not familiar, help them with extra tutoring. Set up play dates with new friends, if they’re keen to have one. Don’t force the issue if they’re older and not interested yet. You can’t choose you children’s friends (as much as sometimes we’d like to). ;) Try to go to school assemblies and important events in those early days so your child sees a familiar face in the crowd. There will probably be days when your child doesn't want to go to his/her new school and is pining for their old world. Talk with their new teacher and let him or her know the situation, so they can keep an extra eye out for your small person. #Communicate If your child is struggling, (psychologists say it can feel like a death to a child who is separated from their friends and/or family) communication is critical. Acknowledge their feelings and listen to their frustrations. Create a stable network and help them feel understood, validated and loved. Culture shock is real, so navigate this new country together. If you're repatriating home, that can be just as unsettling, especially if your child hasn't lived in your home country before. Don't expect them to settle back in smoothly just because it's home for you. Everything around them will probably feel quite alien. Remember every child is different and will experience the transition with different coping abilities and strategies. Good luck, everything will fall into place, eventually. … [Read more...]
5 Expat Mistakes and How to Avoid Them!
If you're about to make your big move overseas, this guest post by Mint Mocha Musings' partner OFX hits the nail on the head! In fact, I wish we'd had it before our first expat gig in Hong Kong. These are easy expat mistakes to make, but there are also easy solutions to help you avoid unnecessary headaches while you’re away and when you eventually return home! (Um, let's not mention the time we packed Small Person's birth certificate with the storage and had to traipse around China to get a new one!) 1. Banking Blunders Not retaining an address in your home country. If you don’t have a residential address in your home country, it could be hard to maintain your bank account and difficult to re-establish your credit once you make your way home again. Many people change their on-file banking address so correspondence goes to a parent’s house or another relative. This allows you to keep one foot in your home country, even if you get most banking notifications via email. Closing a credit card account in good standing. According to the experts, closing a credit card in good standing could damage your overall credit score. While you don’t have to keep each and every one of your accounts open while you’re living away from home, you should be careful about which ones you decide to close. It's also helpful to have credit cards in your home currency for domestic purchases, even if you have to pay $75 a year to keep to keep it open, it's worth the fee. When you do close multiple accounts, do so one at a time over a period of time. The more accounts you close at once, the more damage you’ll do to your credit score, and the harder it will be to undo that damage. And for the cards that you do decide to keep open? Let your credit card issuers know about your move in advance. This will prevent them thinking suspicious activity is occurring once you start using the cards overseas and abruptly putting a stop on it. (Which trust me, happens a lot!) 2. Health Insurance Hazards Failing to have the appropriate health coverage. Heading overseas, some people end up with too much health coverage and some with too little. Limited health coverage could end up costing you a lot of money because you'll have to pay for all of your medical expenses out-of-pocket. Too much health insurance and you’ll be paying twice for coverage that a government-funded medical system may already provide. Check what kind of coverage your visa or residency status offers and adjust your investment appropriately. You may be covered under yours or your spouses' new job, so check the policy and make sure it covers all family members. Before moving to another country, do your research into expat health insurance plans because foreign nationals often aren’t entitled to subsidised or free health care. Bear in mind that cheaper plans may not always give you the coverage that you need and you may need extra, especially if you’re planning on travelling to developing countries, where the level of healthcare is substandard. In China, we were also with SOS which makes sure you can fly out of the country should you need to in an emergency. For more info check here. 3. Poor Preparation and Research Arriving empty handed. Some expats have learned the hard way (i.e. yours truly)! It’s very expensive to get college transcripts, birth certificates, marriage certificates and other relevant documents, once you’re already overseas. If you’re applying for jobs, purchasing a property, or even renting, make sure you've packed the relevant documentation in your hand luggage, so you don’t have to waste time and energy waiting for it in the mail or potentially travelling to other cities with embassies etc to get what you need. This also stands for renewing visas, where in some countries, you need all sorts of legal documents. Learning the local language on the fly. It may be impossible to become fluent before you go (and just quietly while you're there) but not knowing the local language is definitely not a good reason not to go. Spending a few hours a week learning some basic vocabulary beforehand and during your time there, can be super helpful. 4. Tax Filing Failures Failing to file your taxes at home and abroad. Taxes become more complicated when you’re an expat. You'll need to meet the regulations and requirements of both your home country and your new residence. Asking tax experts for guidance will ensure you don’t incur penalties for improperly reporting your earnings when working abroad. These same experts will also alert you to tax breaks you can take advantage of as an expat. Not reporting foreign bank accounts and investments. In addition to filing your income as an expat, you might also need to file the appropriate forms to report foreign bank accounts and investments to your home country, otherwise, you could rack up substantial penalties. Financial advisors can answer your questions regarding what accounts need to be reported, and how to do it accurately. 5. Monetary Misfortunes Not establishing a reasonable budget. It can be tempting to spend a lot of money in the first few weeks of being an expat as you settle in, but expat life can be unpredictable, so it’s important to spend with caution. Keeping extra money aside for things like your visa, any necessary permits, your rent, lawyer fees, unplanned holidays, transportation and health costs can help make things less stressful in a foreign country. Not factoring in exchange rates. Your cost of living will change, becoming more expensive or (hopefully) cheaper, once you move overseas. When you’re tallying up your estimated monthly expenses, factor in exchange rates. Use OFX’s currency converter, in this blog's side bar and gauge how far you can stretch your money once it's been converted. You can also use the OFX/Clearfx transfer service to quickly send money online without being hit with high bank margins and fees, which we did regularly! For more about that you can read my post here. Here's to a happy expat life! A Few Extra Tips for Success Set aside additional funds in a separate bank account. Make sure this money will be easy to access as soon as you need it, in case of emergency. If you’re planning on starting a new business venture abroad, keep in mind that cultural differences can be blinding. Give yourself some extra financial cushion and don’t assume that what works in one locale will work in another. … [Read more...]
EXPAT WOMEN: Don’t Call Us Trailing Spouses — We’re Trailblazers!
When talk of the ‘hotelier’ taking a job on China's Mainland first came up and we were living in Hong Kong (a hop, skip and a jump from China...aka, a 2.5 hour flight) a lot of people joked, ”Oh you can stay here in Hong Kong and he can come home every weekend — easy!” Now, admittedly (just between you and me) a teeny, tiny part of me tried to imagine what that might look like…. I had a great community, work, friends, and everything was extremely convenient….if you could do it anywhere, you could do it in Hong Kong! CUT! (picture fades to black!) Clearly a fanciful idea, at best — and for both of us, simply not an option. A) We couldn’t afford to run two lifestyles, especially when one is in one of the world’s most expensive cities. B) I’m not saying we're Romeo and Juliet but, why would I want to live away from my husband? …….. Ahhh many good reasons you may jest….think of all the guilt-free shopping! Jokes aside, ironically when we ALL did move to the middle of China, many of the hotelier’s colleagues would see me around the place and say “Oh how long is Nicole in town for?” “Um what? No, she lives here…..with me!” My slightly taken aback husband would say. Then the shocked response…”Really? She lives here, in Xi’an? (Lots of thoughtful nodding ensues..) Wow!" Call me crazy (and for the first six months and many times since I’ve concluded, I must be a little bit crazy!) but we kinda like hanging out together. And then…..”How about your little girl? Can she go to school here?” Why, yes! Yes she can! Xi’an for all intents and purposes is a city with eight million people and therefore has a pretty reasonable level of infrastructure going on. (It may all be falling apart underneath but it’s there!) (She mocks!) In all reality though, these colleagues’ questions are not so far fetched. A lot of spouses choose to stay put, in bigger (dare I say, more civilised) cities - those with a 1st tier ranking.….Shanghai or Beijing or in other cities nearby like Hong Kong and Taiwan, where heaven forbid, they can communicate. For us though - it’s one in, all in! But I’m not hear to blow wind up my own a@#! (For non-Aussie readers, basically that means I’m not here to talk about how fabulous I am for moving to the middle of China (ok, maybe just a little bit!) ;-) ) In all reality, I’ve got it pretty darn good. I get to live in a hotel bubble! I cannot complain (much). (Even if I did find myself curled up in the foetal position in my heavenly bed the first week we arrived, while the hotelier had to exit Xi’an for a three-night visa run. Alone, stranded in China!) There’s no denying, no matter which country you’re in and what sort of place you get to call home — when you open your eyes that very first morning in a foreign city, where you know not a single soul and even more terrifying, can’t speak a word of the language and everything outside looks about as close to life as you know it on Mars — AND it’s ”home” for the foreseeable future - it is a pretty daunting place to be, even for the hardiest of us. (If you're new to the game and need survival tips, check this post out!) What I really want to say though - despite those initial feelings of complete and utter loneliness and an immense desire to stay horizontal, covers over your head — the expat women that I know and often read about - are definitely not Trailing Spouses! If you haven’t heard the term, it’s a nice fancy one they give women who find themselves in a foreign country with their husband or partner who is usually contracted to work in that country. The term “Trailing Spouse” was coined in 1981 by The Wall Street Journal’s Mary Bralove to capture the concept of sacrificing your career plans to follow your partner. And admittedly, there are many sacrifices to be made for all involved with such a decision to move half way around the world. Careers are lost…friends and family are farewelled and every ounce of normality ceases to exist…..but at the same time, these things are also made. (Much to our initial disbelief.) And the majority of expat women I know will probably tell you, they find that term a little offensive (no disrespect Mary Bralove). Usually, we haven’t been dragged kicking and screaming across the globe, trailing behind as we struggle to keep up with our Commanding Partners in Chief! For the most part, the majority of expats (working or not) have a desire to see something different, experience a different way of life — and heck....Go. On. An. Adventure!! In many cases, it’s the women pushing for the move, making the final decision to take the new job and deciding where it will be and for how long. In our case, (and to many people’s surprise) I was the one who said, “Let’s go to China!” Even if it did seem mildly crazy, when places like Bali and Melbourne were on the radar. Bottom line: most of the expat women I speak with are here because ultimately (“I hate China days” and all) we choose to be. As expat partners not working, we are the ones forced to take a giant leap out of our comfort zone, making new lives for both ourselves and families. The one with the job — while challenging in different ways — can often assume ‘position normal’…. He (or she) goes to his job, each morning, just like he always has. As the spouse in a new country, there’s the unenviable job of finding a place to live; a school for the kids; a supermarket, a hair dresser, a doctor (should there be such things available). Or on the flip side, you’re the one left back home to pick up the pieces or finish off the deal — sell the house, the cars, the furniture — pack up…organise the shipping, clean the house to inspection standards! More often than not, when you and your partner agree to the big role, companies will want you there ASAP. You basically swig back that coffee gin as you hear the words “Yes, let’s do it” come out of your mouth… and the plane ticket is booked. Locked in. "Hello new life!" The first move we made, I was pregnant, working night shift and the hotelier had to take the new job within three weeks. I stayed behind to finalise the deal…I won’t say it was a walk in the park. (Thanks mum!) One fellow expat arrived into town with two kids in tow, her already working husband had hoped to be there for the first two weeks to help everyone “settle in” but was called away the very next day. There she was in a city of millions, not a soul known and not a skerrick of Chinese spoken. Good Morning Xi’an! Those first few weeks, even months can be long and lonely. Naturally the working partner’s job is intense….it’s new…there is work to be done and hours to be put in. Living in a place like Xi’an or anywhere in Asia for that matter, means there can be more travel involved than ever before. Spouses are left to fend for themselves for days on end. The routine of old is a distant memory…..as is the identity of old. (I wrote an article a few years back on making expat relationships work, here.) As women on the expat journey we propel ourselves into the arms of exotically wild foreign lands at full throttle. We struggle try to learn new languages or simply learn new ways of communicating - we become masters at charades; we force ourselves to make random new friends from all walks of life; we eat food that leaves our taste buds recoiling in shock; we visit hospitals and doctors in desperate times, with methods far removed from those we know and often we just don’t know what is being administered! We ride taxis and busses along streets filled with the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. We wake up on more days than we like, to a sky thick with pollution, we can’t see across the road — to days with no power, no water or both… We go on endless searches for our necessities that simply don’t exist. We suffer culture shock and cultural misunderstandings….. We listen endlessly and support our other half who is often immersed in a role that sometimes deals cards beyond anything you could’ve comprehended in a previous life. We say goodbye to people we care about more often than we should. We deal with tough situations without our families close by. Sometimes we just want to call it a day and go home, to a place we’re understood. But we stand our ground, knowing tomorrow is another day. Many of us have left our own burgeoning careers and while we may be the one comfortably organising the move….the reality of leaving a career behind and suddenly seeing your name on the visa application as ‘house wife’ can be pretty soul destroying (you eventually get used to it)! (Let alone being called Mr James). :roll: I went from TV News Reader to expat mum up to my ears in diapers and chopsticks, in a matter of months! You can read about that interesting period here! But I’ve seen a myriad of expat women rise up against the tide of trailing spouse stereotypes to redefine themselves and their working life….In Hong Kong alone there is an untold number of small but thriving businesses erupting across the city, all founded by expat women. But what about places like mainland China where the visa regulations don’t really allow you to work or you need to find a role that sponsors you as well, which can be nigh on impossible? Many previously working women are suddenly placed in an environment where they really have no choice but to be the home maker. This is where your expat tribe comes in and a much needed sense of adventure. Once you meet other expats in similar situations, the bond is built quickly and negotiating foreign life is infinitely easier, not to mention empowering. We develop lifelong friendships with global citizens, we see the world in a way we could never have imagined, we travel, we experience once in a lifetime moments and we grow and learn about ourselves and other cultures, beyond anything we believed possible. We are expat women — we don’t trail behind, we blaze a path ahead! Pssst, The definition of Trailblazer: A person who makes a new track through wild country! Proud to share this one with Seychelles Mama's #MyExpatFamily … [Read more...]