The 30 second television advert begins with a tense family dinner scene. A young woman turns apprehensively towards her mother and says ”Ma Ma…” Her mother cuts in, bangs down her chopsticks and says scathingly (in Mandarin of course) "If you don't bring home a boyfriend next time, then don't call me Mum!” Next minute, there’s a knock at the door and a well-dressed young man appears with a bouquet of flowers. “This is my boyfriend,” the daughter says proudly. Her now beaming parents, whip out their best (Ikea) tableware and home decorations, inviting him in. Let me tell you, today, in much of China, that scene is too not far from the truth, but this latest Ikea advertisement has caused an almighty uproar amongst local netizens. In 2007, the China Women’s Federation, coined the phrase ‘Sheng Nu’ for all Chinese women who were not married by the ripe old age of 27! Yes, 27! Translated, Sheng Nu means ‘Leftover Women.’ That may have only been ten years ago but traditionally China has long made matrimony the final and ultimate goal for a Chinese girl. Even ‘Confucious’ is known to have said, “The woman follows the man! In her youth she follows her father and elder brother; when married, she follows her husband; when her husband is dead, she follows her son.” Marriage is about fulfilling ones duty and having societal stability rather than love. The ‘one child policy’ introduced in the early 80’s saw families favouring sons over daughters meaning an astronomical number of abortions and female babies abandoned. Today that means there’s a dire shortage of women when it comes to pairing up in matrimonial heaven. Currently there are 117 boys for every 100 girls. Men outnumber women by 33.66 million. But while ultimately men are the ones having more difficulty finding a match, women still face heavy pressure from family and society. So much so, many are resorting to renting ‘fake' boyfriends to take back to their home villages, during the annual Chinese New Year holiday. A lot of young Chinese I’ve spoken with, say, despite being highly educated with thriving careers, the pressure from mum and dad is very real. Older generations still feel they need to ‘save face’ in their immediate communities and if their daughter, turns up unmarried without children, it’s terribly embarrassing. “A parent is always on standby to sacrifice everything for their children.” a friend in her fifties says. It’s widely accepted they will be the one’s looking after the grandchildren while their children work and in return their child/ren will look after them in old age. A lot of parents are even taking matters into their own hands, fronting up, weekly to ‘marriage markets’ with their children’s statistics on a piece of paper. Height, gender, education, job, and property ownership! “My mother keeps calling me and reminding me I only have a couple more years to find someone,” comments a weary 25-year-old friend. Another married friend, Monica, says, “Almost all Sheng Nu are really good students in school; they don’t have the time to go outside with friends or meet people. Their parents introduce them to potential husbands, but when they meet, they struggle to communicate ..they just know how to study. It’s a big problem.” Men though aren’t escaping the wrath of unsatisfied parents. “My mother told me I must get married and it’s her duty to see that I do.” says 28 year old Leo. “I argue with her that the choice is mine, why is it your duty?” “She says, she’ll lose face, all my friends say, why don’t you plan a marriage for your son?" She says, When I’m with friends who have grandchildren, I feel bad and embarrassed and walk away.” Leo says, “She is transferring her pressure onto me.” I ask one friend if it’s weird to her, that I got married so late at 37, mainly because I’ll never forget those first few visits to the hair salon in Xi’an, when they all looked at me like I was from Mars, especially when I told them how old I was when I tied the knot! "And you think your 'Sheng Nu' have got problems!" :lol: Encouragingly though, many of China’s young educated women I talk to are pushing back against the leftover stereotype and waiting until they find love, regardless of their parents expectations. Hence why Ikea’s latest ad hit a sore spot. Lu Tiao from the hair salon says, “I want a soul mate with a modern day approach who will support my career.” There’s even a new Chinese term that means ‘Naked Marriage’ - getting married purely for love without a house, ring, ceremony or car. Still - in a culture where many are still clinging onto the Chinese family idea of having many generations under one roof, it’s a tough one to get their head around. Ikea’s been forced to withdraw the ad and issue a nation wide apology, admitting it got it’s normally intrepid research, terribly wrong. This is China. … [Read more...]
Grab Your Hong Bao! You’re Invited to a Wedding in China!
The fact that I’d never met the bride or groom, apparently posed no issue for all those involved in the wedding extravaganza! So the teeny matter, that I failed to register it was actually the Groom saying ‘Nihao’ to me at the entrance to the wedding reception and the small fact I retaliated with a cheery “Hello, how are you today?” hopefully went under the radar!! (Too late to say congratulations now!) Surprisingly (or not) during my rather short stint in China thus far, I’ve somehow managed to find myself witnessing quite a few romantic nuptials! You may recall we inadvertently found ourselves smack bang in the middle of a wedding ceremony, in our first week in Xi’an? If you want to relive the hilarity of being a wedding crasher, click here. So, there’s usually not much notice given for a wedding in China, with invitations delivered just a few weeks, sometimes just days before the big event! With a couple of weeks notice for this week-day wedding, we were able to mark it in the calendar; somehow though, I missed the memo explaining that when you arrive at a wedding here in China, the first thing you do is give your gift (a small red envelope filled with crisp new notes - ideally to the tune of an auspicious number - nothing with four in it ok!) to the panel of people out the front. Ahhh so that’s why James is ignoring the bride and groom who are waiting for us -- watching as the money is earnestly counted out -- in front of us! (Awkward wait while I try to erase thoughts racing through my head about whether we’ve given enough money and in the right denominations)! It’s about now I realise the random guy that said “hi” is now standing next to the bride (you can’t miss her, she’s the one wearing the white bridal gown)! To be fair, she was actually yelling at her new husband, so I missed the ‘just married’ cues…(Hopefully it wasn’t, “is that all these loser foreigners are giving us!! I thought you said he was the big boss!!”) I attempt to feign a few, by now, feeble congratulations and use small person as a decoy with a “Wow! look at this beautiful bride,” while the hotelier appears to be writing an essay in the wedding book! (Anytime!!) We are then ushered (rushed) into the lavish reception area, which is typically oozing glamour - from the designer runway lined with candelabras to the elaborate backdrops; Cameras on giant booms swing by us (narrowly missing the hotelier’s head I might add)! As flash as the room looks, many of the guests though, look like they may have just got off the couch at home.. some are wearing tracksuits, many are in jeans….most are in casual clothes. Apparently this is perfectly normal for a Chinese wedding. After all it’s just a quick lunch really, a couple of hours at best, that usually starts around noon. (Despite now knowing about this dress code, I just can’t for the life of me, bring myself to attend a wedding in jeans, not yet anyway.) The ubiquitous bottle of Baijiu is placed on the table in it's box, she’s flanked by big bottles of Coca Cola and Sprite. We are served tea and then it’s supposedly on to the hard stuff….(Now’s a good time to mention there are also plates of loose free-flow cigarettes at a special table just outside the ballroom, should you wish to inhale). Families of the bride occupy two large tables at the front and their tables are often draped in red table cloths to signify their VIP status. As soon as we are all seated….the groom gives a quick speech….(of which I have no idea what is being said, given it’s obviously all in Chinese…but I get the gist…and try to nod in appropriate places). Pictures from the happy couple’s photo shoot flash up on big projector screens. Here in China, the wedding shoot is done weeks if not months before the big day. Couples will often go to another city or country to have these photos taken in several different outfits in many different, rather exotic locations. Not surprising given ten million couples tie the knot every single year in China, the photogpraphy game is big business! Whilst the ultimate goal of living ‘happily ever after’ is largely the same, the bride looks stunning in white and there’s a big celebration; the traditions and rituals that go with saying 'I do' are a little different. Until a couple of generations ago, most marriages in China were arranged. Yep, that means your parents generally chose your life partner and whether you thought he or she was cute, funny, smart, romantic or simply a whizz in the kitchen, really played no part in it. In fact, I’m told in many rural parts of China, they still have arranged marriages and there are still regular weekend “marriage markets” in places like Shanghai where parents go armed with a list of their child’s vital statistics on display, eager to find them a love match! (I’m pretty sure the child in question has no clue his or her assets are being advertised to the nation.) Sadly, there still seems to be a stigma tied to women today in China who aren’t married by the age of around 27! They call them “Sheng Nu” or “Leftover Women!” Say what?! (This explains why my local hairdresser and his team nearly had a pink fit when I announced I’d married on the ‘other’ side of 35! Looking me up and down, they eye-balled me suspiciously, like I may be hiding some sort of third arm or leg!) While in the Western world we can date without it necessarily leading to marriage, for Chinese, once dating became more acceptable (and dating shows took over television land)….it’s wasn’t a case of shopping around, trying on a few for size…..forget playing the field. For most, dating is serious business!… You date with the intention to marry! And once you’ve made it clear you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, it’s crucial that both parents wholeheartedly agree with your liaison. In China, a marriage is about two families joining together, more so than just two individuals. Especially, as the children are largely responsible for looking after their parents in their old age. This is taken extremely seriously and is prioritised above most other things in life. Grandparents are also often responsible for bringing up the couple's children. So it seems, once the union is agreed to by both families, the real fun begins! I’m told the traditions differ a little between North and South China, but in the North, the husband’s family will cement the unification with a gift of around RMB100-thousand (US$16,000) to the bride’s family, along with jewellery and other auspicious gifts. Not so long ago, the bride would go to live with the husband’s family. Today, they generally reside together in their own home. Oh and while you don’t see many Chinese women wearing diamond rings, I'm assured they do have them, most are just kept safely at home! Together the families will consult a fortune teller to ensure the pairing is suitable and once they have the green light, the two families meet to find a ‘favourable’ date that will ensure a long, healthy and happy union. Often the Chinese Almanac (calendar) is consulted which lists all of the most prosperous days. Once the date has been set, there is no turning back. Come the morning of the official event, there are lot of Chinese traditions going on at home — which I’m told even involves the bride hiding her shoes for the groom to find… (heaven help him if he can’t)!! Shoes found and it's time to party! The legalities are all done at the offices of the Civil Affairs Bureau, sometimes a week or more before the celebrations, so you won’t see an exchanging of vows at the celebrations. Once the groom has given his speech, you’ll usually see dad on the catwalk, daughter on arm, presenting her to her new husband. There is a lot of emotional chatter, the husband goes down on one knee and plenty of hugging. Usually the bride is in tears. (Hopefully tears of pure joy)! The couple then walk down the catwalk with the bridal party, (who can be known to bust a few dance moves). The bride and groom say a few romantic words to each other and in this case, the bouquet was thrown -- but only to the girls in the bridal party. Tip for all those single girls: time to work on getting a gig in the bridal party. There's no Best Man embarrassing the groom, this is strictly above board! This is where the hotelier comes in. Just between you and me, I’m pretty sure we are not invited to the wedding for sentimental reasons. Mostly, the happy couple want the boss (the white boss, no less) to stand up and say a few words, in English. Never mind, that the majority of the wedding won’t understand, it’s all about the ‘value’ this strangely brings to the affair in question! Here’s a little snippet of how this goes down. Lucky for the hotelier (or not) there is a translator on hand. Once the formalities are done with, it’s time to tuck into the feast before us which involves about six courses, at least!! (Pig’s elbow being one of them at this week’s event, which I might add was pretty tasty!). While we’re feeding our faces, the bride has a quick change (often into her ‘Qipao’ - traditional Chinese dress) or something else glamorous, usually in red - symbolising luck and wealth. Together the couple must roam from table to table, toasting everyone in the room (often with shot glasses of Baijiu)! Mid mouthful of noodles or not, it’s imperative everyone gets to their feet when the couple arrives at your table. Meantime, a few guests have spied the small person and come over with red envelopes for her! (Who’s wedding is this?) Apparently giving children Hongbao or lucky money is supposed to bring joy and good luck for the twosome. The bride and groom don’t actually seem to sit down…once the toasting has been done, it’s almost time to call it a day!….They wait outside for the guests, who then pose with them for photos and congratulate them in person. And....that's a wrap! Typically, the newly weds will go on to have some sort of small gathering with friends. Meantime, we smile, slip out the side door and head for a much needed coffee! And that is how you say 'I do' in China. #Disclaimer: You may have had different experiences with Chinese weddings, this is just my observation of weddings in Xi'an. … [Read more...]